I took pictures and sent them in earlier this summer. I was always very conscious of my figure. As an early teen I really developed: within months I was very buxom and hourglassy. It was accented by my posture: I took years of ballet, and carried myself straight (which causes a lot of teasing about my chest). In high school I weighed 135. When I moved to where there was food, I weighed 145. In college I moved to the top floor of the dorms and took volleyball and crosstraining. I reached 165. 36/26/38 and around 5′8″. I kept pretty much these same measurements and just filled in. When I took a job in a school I grew to 185. I was panicky, though to people around me (because of my proportions) I look skinny. I hate that. I can be obese, and my family just chalks it up to vanity because I always was so skinny. ( I am obese right now, over 35% of my weight is fat, but I get no encouragement from anyone who “looks” larger than me. They think I’m being picky though it truly is a health issue.) I went into the hospital and when I came out a month later I was back down to 135, with a burned out brain (104 fever for weeks), general weakness, and issues. No matter how I tried to get my strength back, it wiped me out. I couldn’t even make it through the grocery store. A decade or so later after a series of disasters, including a sexual assault (my neighbor decided that going to a movie with him meant I was interested enough he could force sex – I was a virgin and went into shock and PTSD, and he kept at me)…I started fighting the pain, pushing the muscles out, wishing I had something to hold my belly together. I felt like my whole body was pouring through itself and out my midline. Holding the muscles tight (like in standing) triggered the swelling, sensitive nerves, and scar tissue. I started pushing my belly out. I gained weight. I got back up to 185. *I* know I’m much, much bigger than healthy, but somehow my extra heft grounds me and makes me feel secure. I love your project. All those sensitive, brave bellies. Part of me wants to lose weight to feel more in charge, and some of me is terrified of that. Please wish me luck and peace, to feel safe and strong and in comfort no matter what. I took pictures and sent them in. I have a nice-looking belly. I do! Thank you. I will try (with PTSD, memory is never a given) to send in my new pics next July 24, on the one year anniversary. No matter what I look like. Thank you. The belly, in chakras, represents the you/me balance, engagement with others, strength and push/pull with the outside world. Thanks for letting me see other warrior bellies, and to know my belly is not alone in its fight.
35 years
